If your RV is sitting in the driveway and you are looking for something to watch on ESPN, it probably means the NASCAR season is over.
And even though NASCAR has a shorter off-season than most sports, there is no replacement for NASCAR.
So what do you do in the meantime – before you lose your marbles?
Get ready for an even bigger next season!
So get busy! Here are 12 actions you can take to survive the end of the NASCAR season. Once you have completed every step, the off-season will be over, and you will be transformed into the most dedicated NASCAR fan ever!
Demolish the interior of your RV to start a makeover that you will regret later. (Thanksgiving Weekend)
Dare to dream! With a new custom interior for your RV, you can visit the speedways in person and camp in the infield with all the other NASCAR fans in style. Thanksgiving weekend is also a great time to have your relatives with sledgehammers start the demo.
4 Simple Steps to Demolish Your Old RV Interior:
- Remove the old mattress from your RV and throw it in the yard along with everything else that was popular “last season.” It’s all terrible now. And you may get something for it on eBay – for the completely wrong reasons. Plus, if you are genuinely a dedicated fan, your RV mattress will be utterly ruined from last season.
- Start a blog about what activity you experienced in your RV in the previous season of NASCAR. Make sure to include photos of pets, grandbabies, and any security footage taken while you were not in the trailer.
- Set aside any photos you can use for blackmail. These photos will help you raise money for your new RV makeover. Or they may get you into better tailgate parties at the Talladega Superspeedway. Or, you may get an even swap from someone who has more condemning photos of you.
- Call the home improvement shows and see if they will do a before and after episode on your RV makeover. Make sure to include all of the photos you put on your blog so that they will assume you’re suffering from a medical condition. This will give you a better chance of getting your RV NASCAR makeover completely paid for.
Buy all new things for your RV to fill in the hours. (Dec. 1-7)
Now you have a lot of shopping to do to replace everything you threw out before NASCAR starts. Now, this should take some time.
5 Simple Steps:
- Pick your favorite NASCAR driver of all time. All NASCAR fans have one. This will help you decide what throw covers to buy for your new RV interior. Once you picked your favorite head on over to the local Walmart.
- Settle the ensuing argument about the best NASCAR driver of all time with a race to find the best parking spot at the local Walmart. The best parking space (2 out of 3) wins. This contest may take several days. But if you don’t go to Walmart every day, you may not be the NASCAR fan you think you are.
- Once you settle who the best NASCAR driver-of-all-times is, go into the Walmart to order the customized throw covers, styrofoam coolers, 40-oz koozies, and corn hole bags. Insist to the sales associate that you were in there the other day and saw the perfect Dale Earnhardt Jr. corn hole set. And it was on sale.
- Cut your losses. After you are asked to leave Walmart for spilling a Kurt Busch Monster sports drink in the housewares section, go home to wait for your new booty to be delivered.
- Find other NASCAR stuff to buy. Go online to find a Chase Elliott party hat set and matching piñata. If you find Dale Earnhardt Jr. rubber masks and there are only three left, buy them just in case.
Your new gear will be an essential part of your RV makeover. NASCAR fans mean business.
Take your RV out for an extended pre-NASCAR tailgate party. (Dec. 8 – 19)
4 Simple Steps:
- Make up a reason to camp out and tailgate at Walmart. Order some things from the NASCAR fan shop online at Walmart (site-to-store). Once your new gear arrives, you can go to the parking lot to wait for them.
- Go into the Walmart grocery and buy all of your tailgating supplies. They have already forgiven you for your last time there because someone else has already made a bigger ruckus than you.
- Validate your parking. Show a Walmart associate your site-to-store receipt and tell them you’ll be out in the parking lot until your NASCAR stuff arrives at the store.
- Set up your RV for a tailgate party. It’s going to be five days until your merchandise arrives so bring your cooler, and pack enough chicken fingers.
Make your new NASCAR items the center of the tailgate party. (Dec 20-24)
4 Simple Steps:
- Invite everyone you know to your parking lot tailgate party. Also, the parking lot will be full of Christmas shoppers. Invite them all as well. And some truckers, too. Make this is a test-run where everyone can admire your new NASCAR décor. Don’t be shy about taking selfies and blog about the upcoming NASCAR season.
- Make a list of people you want to invite to your future tailgate parties. Base the list on who brought the best fully-loaded nachos, foot-long corn dogs, and chicken tenders. Note: Serve all food in official disposable NASCAR paper and plastic.
- After a few days of tailgating, check on your site-to-store purchases. You will probably find that they have been overnighted to get you out of the parking lot. Invite everyone in the store for a final viewing of your sleeping quarters and offer free Monster drinks to the first ten people. Everyone else gets sweet tea.
- Have a closing ceremony. Close down your tailgate party by burning your old RV couch in the parking lot. Sing NASCAR-themed Christmas carols. Make sure to invite the local fire marshal and let him choose one of your site-to-store purchases as a gift. (You can add fake autographs on them first so he won’t arrest you for starting a fire.)
Your new NASCAR RV makeover is your ticket to the NASCAR FAns big leagues. (Jan. 2 – 10)
5 Simple Steps:
- Pick the destination for your first road trip. This one isn’t hard. Your first road trip in your RV will be to Charlotte, N.C. Here is where you will make a pilgrimage to the NASCAR Hall of Fame.
- Once you get to North Carolina, stop for chicken and waffles. Chicken and waffles will hit the spot after a long drive and get you ready for the “Victory Lane” tour of “The Hall.” Since most restaurants and diners serve chicken and waffles, this won’t be hard to find. But go to Bojangles Chicken-and-Biscuits instead, and insist they serve you chicken and waffles, even if they don’t have it on the menu.
- Find a place to park your RV. Downtown Charlotte’s not as RV friendly as you might think. Although you will find the Elmore RV Park quite close to the Hall of Fame, only fifteen minutes away. Billed as a parking lot to rest your RV, there aren’t any bathrooms, but plenty of darkness and sirens at night.
- Visit the NASCAR Hall of Fame. You can buy your tickets at the door, except for Tuesdays, which is mysteriously reservations only. You can buy a regular admission, but the Victory Lane package offers an audio tour and comes with a drink, a sandwich, and a bag of chips!
- Remember, this is considered to be a shrine, so be respectful. Take selfies on the racing simulators and pay your respects in the Hall of Honor, but save the trash talk for the long way home while you sleep off the chicken and waffles.
A redneck tour of the Charlotte Motor Speedway in your RV will empower you.
Once you finish with the NASCAR Hall of Fame, it’s time to see the real deal at the Charlotte Motor Speedway.
4 Simple Steps:
- Park your RV at Camping World Racing Resort. This resort is an RV park and tent camping destination that is only a stumbling distance away from the Charlotte Motor Speedway. Literally. It’s got 380 spaces for RVs along with a dump station, so you are bound to make some new friends you can hook up with next NASCAR season. You can’t camp on the infield of Charlotte Motor Speedway when there isn’t an event, but that’s okay. The Camping World Racing Resort is open all year, and during the offseason is when the cool people hang out. (For reasons you’ll find out later.) Enjoy!
- Take a tour of the “Resort” and settle in. You will find an ATM that takes your Discover® card, public restrooms, and a place to buy firewood. (Just put it on your Discover® card.) These three things alone should keep you busy for the night. Then, a good night’s sleep in your new Dale Earnhardt Jr. pajamas should get you rested for the track. That is if your new friends don’t keep you up all night.
- Drive over to the Charlotte Motor Speedway in your RV. Forget about walking; you’re a NASCAR fan! Drive over to the infield entrance and honk your horn. You should see someone with the name tag “Shane.” Slip him twenty bucks, and he will let you drive your RV around the racetrack.
- Driving the Charlotte Motor Speedway in your RV is a dream come true! Get your RV going up to 60 miles to get the full feel of the 24-degree banking. Everyone can enjoy the comfort of your remodeled RV as they thrill to the glory of experiencing the Charlotte Motor Speedway firsthand!
Bonus: Since the real tour is $12 (and up) per person, you will also save some bucks to use for more essential items, like more chicken and waffles.
Financing your NASCAR dream trip – raising money to go to all of the races. (Jan 11- 21)
Now that you have a real taste for visiting the speedway in person, you will no longer be happy just watching the races on TV. Especially since you’re rocking a new NASCAR interior inside your RV.
Time to raise some money for your trips to the speedways of America!
5 Simple Steps:
- Advertise on Craigslist for someone to rent out space in your RV. (They will have limited kitchen and bathroom privileges in your double-wide.) It’s only for two months, and then you can kick them out. Or maybe they can travel with you around to the different NASCAR races if they get unemployment checks. Make sure to get a non-refundable deposit.
- Take the rent money and buy lottery tickets. Buy some scratch-offs and some power balls. If you win, you are set for the next year! If not, move on to plan B.
- Plan B: Get a sponsor. Talk to your local businesses. They may sponsor you if you paint their logo on the side of your RV and park it in the infield at every race. Explain how their logo will be on national television and how this will appeal to their local demographic. If no one will sponsor you, move on to plan C.
- Plan C: Enter every “Win a Trip to NASCAR” contest (no purchase necessary.) This one is self-explanatory, but skip the ones that require you to write an essay. You won’t win those.
- Go back to your blog. If you don’t win a contest, monetize your blog by accepting paying advertisers. If you have been recording everything so far, you will have some great videos to promote!
- Burning your RV couch in the Walmart parking lot.
- Fighting with the staff in the Bojangles’ parking lot.
- Stealing lottery scratch-offs from the Gas-n-Go.
- Hightailing it around the Charlotte Motor Speedway in your RV.
- Your activities at the Elmore RV Park and the Camping World Racing Resort.
Note: You may also be able to sell footage from the RV parks to a local crime solvers TV show.
Focused content for your NASCAR Fans blog will make you wealthy (MAYBE)! (Jan 22-31)
Now that you’ve monetized your blog, you will need some freshly written content as well. Don’t let this throw you. Just write about what you know: NASCAR and Red Neck Superstitions.
The superstitions of NASCAR are not that exciting, and mainly involve not wearing green, not shaving or bathing on race day, and not using fifty dollar bills. Since these are things you do already, it’s time to start some new superstitions. And this is what you will write about in your NASCAR blog.
3 Easy Steps:
- Start a rumor about a superstition that you should keep twenty-dollar bills under your RV mattress.Make up something about Danica Patrick or Tony Stewart winning races if enough people don’t do this.Writing about this new superstition will give you some great reader feedback, as well as fund your trips to the racetrack when you go around to everyone’s RV in the infield and steal the money hidden under their RV mattresses.
- Start an email chain letter.Another time-honored superstition for NASCAR fans is the chain letter. Make sure that you collect email addresses as people respond to your comments about how Jeff Gordon and Kyle Bush have single-highhandedly changed the sport of NASCAR. (Make sure to emphasize the word sport.)
- Ask for money in the chain letter. Let people know that when they send money to your P.O. Box, this will buy a curse on their most hated driver to lose every race and maybe even “hit the wall.” Tell them this is an ancient curse from the hills of Tennessee, which can only be performed when enough cash is raised.
Get your RV ready for the NASCAR season of a lifetime! (Feb. 1-7)
Sure, you’ve got a great custom RV interior, but what about your RV? It may need a tune-up. So to finish up before NASCAR starts, you will need to get this done.
However, you don’t want to use your hard-earned money to pay for it. Instead, throw a NASCAR-themed Pit Road party and competition.
4 Easy Steps:
- Send out invitations. Tell people that you are having a preseason Pit Road party. Anyone who comes will pay an entry fee which will allow them to compete in various Pit Road contests for valuable prizes.
- Get your RV inspected. Find out everything that is wrong with your RV. Buy whatever parts you need. Every different part that needs to be fixed will become a separate contest. By the end of the night, your RV will be NASCAR ready.
- The night of the Pit Road party, divide your guests into teams. Each team will have something to fix on your RV. They can take turns, but whoever completes their task the fastest will win the grand prize. (This will be another one of your counterfeit-signed memorabilia pieces.) Don’t let anyone drink until they have finished an RV repair in the competition; this will not only get the work done faster but also ensure it is done correctly.
- Award the prize. Automatically award the grand prize to the team who completed the first task. They will be too drunk by the time your RV is completely fixed to realize the award is counterfeit. Then they will break it or lose it anyway, destroying any evidence the prize was fake.
Cement you standing with other NASCAR Fans with messages on sports reporters’ blogs.
Since you’ll still have a few days left before the Daytona activities, you’ll need something to do. Start leaving annoying messages on sports reporters’ blogs who say NASCAR is dead; this is your duty!
3 Easy Steps:
- Get an internet identity that says you mean business. If you are going to leave messages about your devotion to NASCAR on a sports reporters’ pre-season blogs, you want to make an impression. Since most reporters consider NASCAR to be a redneck’s sport, this is your time to shine! Your internet ID should be something like Appalacian450 or MoonshineCatnip13.
- Leave messages that have typos, are grammatically incorrect, sound sort-of angry, and are ultimately confusing. For example, “My kids got peanut allergies too, but does that mean I keep them away from Payday bars? No! And will they die if they do not want to be razed in the tradeshow of NASCAR? Yes, I say, make America GREAT again and Jeff Gordon fans go home once and FOR ALL. Electric cars are not for us.”
- If anyone replies, start a long thread of hot-tempered and obscure put-downs that get even stranger. The goal is to fuel a massive online verbal brawl where anyone can get involved and offended. If you do it right, the post may eventually be taken down. If you do this with several articles, you should have enough to do in the few days before Daytona.
Action # 11:
Buy clothing for the new NASCAR season that makes a statement. (Buy in Daytona Beach)
1 Easy Step:
Buy a white American-flag tank top, some jean shorts, a straw cowboy hat, mirrored aviator sunglasses, white tube socks, and black leather high tops. That’s all you need. Don’t let anyone talk you into anything else. The End.
Enjoy the spoils of your efforts NASCAR Fans.
Now that you’ve productively passed the two months of off-season NASCAR without going bonkers, you are about to take the journey of a lifetime! Going to all of the NASCAR races in your RV!
Or, you can keep all the money and store it under your RV mattress.
Get a big-screen TV, put it in your RV, watch all the races from the comfort of your new rocking RV interior with other NASCAR fans, and call for delivery when you get hungry! Throw all the trash out the window and don’t leave the trailer for a year. Now that’s American motorsports!